thoughts (and prayers). home
9:01 am as of writing.
i want to write, but i don't know what to say. i'm hungry. not in the sense that i have a real appetite (my medication surpresses that) but in the sense that i'm foggy and unfocused because i haven't eaten. i wish i could think about something else, but i just can't focus. fml.
i wish i could starve myself without actually feeling the effects of starving myself.
i wish i had a lower bmi. thinking about it makes me so jealous and, like, hateful. i'll get there eventually. i hope.
if any of my other alters would willingly comply then maybe this wouldn't be so fucking tedious.
quicknotes:
11:44 am as of writing this.
just had a period of intense rapid switching and dissociation. i don't know how long it lasted. i had no idea what was happening and i couldn't concentrate or hold a train of thought. very stressful. somewhat concerning. i don't know what caused it. usually that only happens when someone accidentally remembers something very triggering.
quicknotes:
good afternoon. it's 3:46 pm as of writing this first sentence.
a combination of stressors has resulted in the splitting of a new alter. normally i don't think i'd even notice, but i have been paying much more attention recently. he first appeared yesterday. i was able to get him to front again this morning, and he spoke to a friend of mine for a short while before switching out. i'm very glad to know i didn't just imagine him.
i tend to find myself doubting my own perception of myself once i start to pay more mind to system-related subjects. i guess i just get worried that i'll end up having been wrong about my experiences. i don't think anyone else really minds if i'm mistaken; it's just me who cares so deeply. i'll have to remember that.
as far as i know, alex is the only introject i have as of the present moment. this would be fine were it not for the specific individual on whom he is based... i won't mention him by name (he's not called alex), but he is a school shooter, so not only is he a real human being, but he's the perpetrator of a horrific act of violence. i worry people i'm not close with will become deeply uncomfortable with alex if they become aware of this. i hope not. i don't want alex to avoid fronting or anything. it seems he's already sort of finicky when it comes to the specific circumstances under which he'll appear; i don't want it to become more difficult for him.
in other news, the boston marathon bombing was brought up as a topic of discussion in one of my classes today. i was pleasantly surprised when a group of other students found my knowledge of the bombing interesting, rather than judging me for having researched the case so heavily. i'd assumed they would react poorly. instead we had a nice discussion where i was able to share information they hadn't known prior.
quicknotes: